To be a woman

There’s something to be said about the heart of a woman. It is not something that can be read like a book because it goes too deep. It is not something we as women can always understand and express because only God holds the key to doing so. Every now and then we get a taste of something that speaks deeply to the innermost part of our hearts that gives us a glimpse of what we desire and what we were created for.

Tonight was the Women’s Dinner for my college group at EV Free Fullerton. All I knew about it was the men were going to serve the women and we were supposed to RSVP with our choice of chicken, steak, or salmon for our entree and to dress in semi-formal attire. I came from my grandma’s house after celebrating Hanukah with all my family and my best friend, which was a blast. Traffic however, was far from enjoyable. Turned out to be a cop car and about 6 cars on the side of the road. Why we had to sit on the freeway without moving for that, I have no idea. Couldn’t even see any damage done. Anyway, so I was a little flustered at being late, but pulled into the parking lot ready to pull all my stuff together and go inside to find my friends. There was a valet service. A handful of guys were dressed in white dress shirts and black ties and pants and came over to park my car for me. I’m kind of a cheap sort of girl, so I’ve never used a valet service….I didn’t know what to do, lol. I grabbed what I thought I needed and hopped out to have one of the gentlemen take my car and the other offer his arm to escort me inside. I was asked for my name at the front and the gentlemen was told my table number. He led me in and sat me down at my place card. The room was decorated beautifully for Christmas, and all the girls were dressed up in their pretty dresses that don’t often have the exciting occasion to be worn. There were gentlement coming in and out all evening to serve us and tend to our needs. Byron, who leads worship at the Shift and is a pretty talented guitarist played songs for us in the background and sang some carols as we talked and enjoyed each others’ company. The food was delicious–prepared by our college pastor, John, and one of the guys at the Shift, Owen. Cheesecake was even brought in for dessert from the Cheesecake Factory. It was divine–not too heavy and overwhelming like cheesecake can sometimes be, though I’m still going to need to bust out the bike for tomorrow….for a looooong time tomorrow! There were periodic announcements and appreciative words spoken about us as women as well as a hearty rendition of Jingle Bells at the end by all of the guys.

If you’re a woman, and you’ve never read the book Captivating; you need to. Basically it tells that women were made for romance, made to play an irreplaceable role in a shared adventure, and who possess beauty to be unveiled. I firmly believe these are core to who we are but don’t think there are many places that we get to see this in our daily lives. Tonight captured the romance and beauty our hearts connect with so closely in a setting that was unpressured, appreciative, and welcoming to those parts of us that often go unseen. We had a night to kick up our high heels and put on a rockin’ dress, to be escorted and waited on, and to be told that we are loved by the community of God. These young men put so much work into tonight, and it’s something I will always treasure in my heart. God blessed me through them, reminded me of who I am as a woman of His, and gave me hope that someday He will bring a man that appreciates the woman He created me to be because I have seen that such men do exist. It couldn’t have come at a more perfect time for me when discouragement tends to set in and get the best of me.

So thank you, men. Thank you all so very much.

The Countdown

It’s almost Christmas, and I can taste it. I’m so excited to be home for a month, and this week has been dragging like no other as a result. I’ve been getting no sleep; I think because I am so excited to go home. I went to bed at 10 last night because I was really tired. I fell asleep at about 1:30. Then I proceeded to wake up every two or three hours. That was fun. Actually frustrating would be a better word. Now I’m just exhausted and antsy to get home. Not a good, rested approach for finals.
Today I had six hours to study for two finals. It does not take me 6 hours to study. So I poked around, did a bucketload of nothing and it was driving me insane. I just wanted to go home. I didn’t want to wait around for my finals to happen. It was going too slow and taking too long. I finally gave up 2 hours before my final and drove down to Fountain Valley to look at Christmas lights. That’s where we used to go when I was a kid and we lived in OC. It wasn’t like I remembered, but nothing ever is when you’re a kid. Then I went and took my final. Was the first one done, just wanted to be outta there. I have one more tomorrow morning then it’s home for the holidays for me.
So, my holiday is beginning with an oil change and an evening of babysitting. In between there I need to finish making my Christmas treats, which I will add to my recipe blog as well as sew my party dress. Friday I’m getting a flu shot, finishing my Christmas craft gifts and wrapping everything, then working a Christmas show at Moonlight. Saturday I’m waking up early for work up in Fullerton where I get to tell kids how to get to college for 30 minutes and speak on a student panel. Then I will head to my grandma’s, take a power nap, grind potatoes for latkas, and celebrate Hannukah with my family and best friend. Then I will get dressed up and go to the Christmas party for my college group. Off to a busy start.
Other than that craziness, my plans involve walking every morning with my mom, figuring out my new phone, swing dancing on New Years Eve, singing and signing at church on Christmas Eve, teaching myself to make a quilt, spending time with lots of friends, and hopefully babysitting often since I have no income over this next month.
Well, the sleep monster is encroaching again and my battery is almost out. Off to bed. One more final then Christmastime is here!!

Sunday Sabbath

Growing up I took a Sabbath every Sunday. I didn’t work on those days; I didn’t do homework. It began as something I had to do….my parents making it so in order to teach me and help me make it a habit. I’ve since then gone through seasons where I honor that and seasons where I push it aside. But, I always seem to come back to the rebuttal of my excuse of not enough time to the fact that God honors our commitment of obedience to him. I may feel like I don’t have enough time to get my homework done if I take a day off on Sunday, but by obeying his command to keep the Sabbath holy and on it not do any work, God will honor that and provide me with the time. I talked to God about it last week. “God, finals are next week. I could really use every spare minute that I have to study. What am I supposed to do about a Sabbath?” You can guess what he answered. I wouldn’t be sitting around blogging if he had told me it was okay to skip it. So today I am sitting around relaxing. Church was great this morning, I went to lunch with a friend, I’m baking delicious Christmas treats for my friends and prepping some orange chicken for tomorrow when Nicole comes over, and tonight I’m going to college group and then driving around with Andra to look at Christmas lights. What a nice way to take a break and relax before a big week! And God did honor my commitment. I have 3 and a half days to study for four finals. Usually it’s 1 day less. Is God cool or what?? He gave me an extra day.

Christmas is getting closer, and I am so excited to be home! I keep happening to turn on the radio to the song, “Oh there’s no place like home for the holidays.” Fits my perspective perfectly. My Christmas shopping is done, just have to finish some last minute touches on my gifts that involve crafts and wrap them all in pretty paper with brightly colored bows. I’ve been practicing my Christmas music that I’m singing at the Christmas Eve service at my church in Oceanside. I have fallen in love with the song. I am so excited to offer it as a gift to those who come to church that night. I’m considering signing it while I sing. I’m not sure how well that will work out, but I know most of the signs already and was able to do most of it. I think with a little more practice I can get it down perfectly. We’ll see how that goes, just a thought. Usually it takes my whole focus to do one or the other: sing or sign.

But that’s me! I hope you’re hanging in there in these last few days of school and that you’re remembering the real reason we celebrate Christmas.
<3,
Tabitha

Dear God

Dear God,
Tonight my heart is heavy. I should be asleep but the memories flood my mind, and sleep escapes me. I don’t understand my heart. Am I really still telling myself one thing and ignoring what’s really going on in there? Surely after all this time I have healed. Surely the past doesn’t still have a foothold. I have struggled; I have grown. I am not who I was then. So why is it still there?
Listening to this concert speaks deeply to my soul. It whisks me away to a beautiful place. Yet, something is missing, and deep down I know what it is. But why, God? Why the discontent in a perfect moment? I know you are in control. I know you hold the key to my heart. Why can’t I be happy with that? Why in the everday moments do I believe that with all that is in me, but in the secret moments where it’s just me and my heart do I doubt and long for something more?
Jesus, please fill this void. Only you can bring what is missing. I long to be freed from the past. I just want to forget, God. It’s nights like these that they are not a sweet memory, but rather a painful lonliness. I don’t know what to do, Lord. Do I let this take its course or do I push it back down and ignore its presence? I thought I had let it take its course, but I am again surprised at its reappearance. It seems like it will never go away so I just keep pushing it back down.
May these tears in the solitude of a dark night continue to bring healing. May my future continue to bring peace of mind. Teach me to not fear the truths my heart tells, but to take them and learn from them. Help me be a stronger woman because of them–a woman that rests knowing you are truly in control.
Amen.

Stress Management

The stress of the end of a semester hit me this weekend when I realized I had two weeks to prepare for finals. My classes haven’t been a walk in the park this semester, but rather a continual frustration and challenge. I think I’ll only be getting one A this semester–a disappointment for me, especially since I’m trying to get into a credential program in light of the enrollment cuts.

To top off the finals crunch staring me in the face, everyone and their mother seems to want to hang out these next two weeks: dates, lunches, small groups, parties, dances. I’m overwhelmed to say the least. I’ve reached the point that I must now say “no” to anything else presented to me and explain that it needs to wait until after finals are over.

Today was emotional breakdown day. It happens every semester at crunch time. I should have known it was not going to be a fun day when I burned my tongue on my tea this morning. Never a good start. It was followed by a math test grade that was barely over the D I received last time, a cancellation of my boss for my end of semester review which now needed to be scheduled some other time–time which I don’t have. The one day that was best for me was already booked by two other co-workers. Which means I either have to cut into the time I set aside for my finals studying or ditch class. Neither seems a pleasant option. It was enough to push me over the edge, run to the bathroom, bawl my eyes out for a good 10 minutes, take a deep breath, and go to class.

Since then, I’ve been able to get a start on my finals, figure out what grades I need to aim for on them for the one I want, get a handle on the amount of time I have, and make use of it. I know I’ll be okay, it’s just not so fun in the process. I’m even thinking about getting a massage–never had one before. But I’ve been waking up very stiff every morning, my back still hurts from when I pulled it a month ago, plus the stress, and I found a school that does it for cheaper…had very good reviews too that explained exactly how to go about it. What do you do for stress management?

You make me dance like a fool, forget how to breathe

Since I started commiting my will to the Lord each morning, I have been feeling so content. It’s such a restful thing to not have to be in charge of my life. It made me think of the song lyrics I posted as the title. God just takes my breath away as I realize how present he is in my life. Each day on Facebook I’ve been posting my status as something I’m thankful for in the spirit of Thanksgiving next week. It’s been reminding me of the simple things that God has blessed my life with each day. It’s definitely kept me in that mindset of having a thankful approach to my life. Yesterday there was a lot of traffic on the way to school that involved a lot of people seeing the need to cut me off without using their blinkers. (side note: honestly, if you cut me off but had your blinker on, I don’t mind nearly as much.) But I was in a really bad mood when I finally got to school late, and I went to the parking lot I usually go to, fully knowing that there weren’t any spots left and I would have to park farther and hike a mile to get to class…more like 2 miles since I usually park a mile away already. And what do you know? There was 1 spot left, just for me. Someone left right as I came in. I was sitting there in that spot griping about the ridiculous people in traffic and God reminded me that I just got a nice parking spot. Something totally simple, but it reminded me to stop complaining and say “thank you.”

God’s been training me to “pray without ceasing” lately. A lot of things have been going on in the lives of people I know that requires constant intervention of prayer. I’ve been getting regular emails that update me on the status of baby Christopher who’s body is suffering under the effects of cancer. Each email comes with a prayer need that is needed ASAP. I participated in To Write Love on her Arms Day last week and was able to talk to someone about it who has recently dealt with some difficult trials. I have kept “love” written on my arm as a reminder to pray for her every time I see it, which I have found is surprisingly often. These are just a couple instances that have helped me in exercising my prayer muscle.

I’ve also been getting very angry at Satan lately. I had a friend tell me she attempted to kill herself a few weeks ago; she actually died but the doctors brought her back. She is doing a lot better; it was a result of bad depression medication, but I was just blown away that I have been in contact with her on and off, but I haven’t even thought to ask “How are you really doing? How can I pray for you?” It reminded me of C.S. Lewis’ book, Screwtape Letters. If you haven’t read it, it’s about a head demon who is training lesser demons on how to get humans to fail. One of the biggest ways was to distract them–keep them caught up in their own lives. I felt that was exactly what had happened to me. There are so many people who I know and it makes me wonder just how many of them are hurting and just need someone to reach out to them and genuinely ask how they’re doing and pray for them. It made me sad for caring more about my own life and everything going on rather than focusing on others.

Anyways, that’s what God has been teaching me lately. What has he been teaching you? And how are you really doing? Can I pray for you?

Beauty in Brokeness

There’s something beautiful in the fragmented state of vulnerability. Tonight at college group we ended our fall retreat with an open mic night for us to talk about what God’s teaching us and share what he’s been opening our eyes to. Though there were a lot of tears and things said that brought compassion from those witnessing the baring of souls, I found it to be very peaceful and reassuring. It’s a comfort to know that so many other believers are in the same boat as I, questioning, struggling, wishing for better. The fragments were thrown in a pile and I did not feel alone. I felt peace about what God is doing in this community, and I felt grateful that people were willing to let down their guards and be vulnerable. It was a benefit for all listening.

So, now it’s time for me. I shared tonight, but not in too much depth, partially because I didn’t want to take up time, partially because I wrote down my thoughts and read them so I was constrained to those words only, and partially because I didn’t want to ramble and be too personal. I’m still just getting to know these people, and although I’ve felt welcomed by several of them, it’s still difficult to talk about the deepest parts of my soul with anyone other than a close friend. I did want to share what God’s been teaching me with you though in an effort to discover for myself all that is involved in this. Writing always helps me see clearer.

Almost two and a half years ago the life I thought I was going to live decided to take a different route. Many thoughts, emotions, and lessons went into that time–some of which I remember today, others are a vague memory. Overall, I am grateful it happened. God shaped my character and brought to view a woman I didn’t know existed and probably would never have known had my life continued on that path. During the time I experiencced a variety of responses: sadness, bitterness, anger, relief, serenity, etc. About a year after that intial emotional turmoil I began dating again. I went out with several guys for a few dates each and then moved on. I was trying to do things differently because I thought I must have done them wrong the first time, which is why it didn’t work out. A few months of that caused me to lay down brick after brick as a shield for myself from the pain I had experienced from the first broken relationship to the other unsuccessful ones.

You have to understand something very important before I continue. Ever since I was a young girl, the deepest desire of my heart was to get married and have a family. My parents have an amazing marriage and my dad’s provision allowed my mom to stay at home with us. I loved both of those things and wanted so much to enjoy my own family as a result. Unfortunately, the brick wall I had built reflected the hardness of my heart to my dreams. I stifled them, and they died. Instead of striving for my heart’s desire, I began finding only negative things about marriage and kids. Divorce, fighting, finances, physical pain and image distortion of childbearing, kids rebelling. These became the only thing that I saw when I looked on a married couple. Being of late college age, I began seeing friends get married and nitpicked what was wrong with their relationships and why they shouldn’t be getting married. Marriage and kids turned from a dream to a fear, and I ran. I avoided males as much as possible, especially after continually finding if I didn’t it would move toward something I was not looking for. The past year, I’ve been hiding behind my walls, and Satan has been feeding me continued negativity about my perception of the family.

Where is this going? Well, I picked up The Sacred Romance by John Elderidge and Brent Curtis. It’s about drawing close to the heart of God. The funny thing is, in order to do that, we have to let him romance us and love on us. But we can’t truly allow him to if we’re carrying around the grudges of past wounds and lies built up as a result. Let’s just say, clean-up with God has been not so fun in this aspect. He has shown me the fears I’ve been hiding from. He’s shown me that I am more willing to let my plans outweigh his. He has revealed that because I don’t think his timing is perfect that the best thing for me to do is to avoid it altogether. He has told me that he wants me to give him my hurt, give him my trust, and let him love me, and work in my life in this way. I will tell you that I’m scared to death. It’s been so long since I’ve truly considered dating and a future in marriage that I don’t know what it looks like. It’s been a continual battle of me laying down my will and trusting that even if God’s timing is not my timing, that his timing is perfect. He will bring the best possible life I could dream of if I completely let go of my silly view of how life is supposed to go.

So, I’m worn out. I’m drained. I’m fighting. But God’s winning. And that’s what counts. Pray for me in this journey, it’s one I never thought I’d have to walk.

Nostalgia

Life has been an absolute whirlwind of craziness this past week with midterms, minor advisement, graduate applications, work, sickness, and frustrating complacency in all other areas due to the busyness of work and school. Today has been a long day in Oceanside working on the many papers and projects I now have to focus on. I did take a musical break though which is the real topic of my post.

I have discovered free mp3 downloads, which are now my favorite thing ever. I’m listening to my new playlist right now actually–Building 429 rocks! I also discovered that I can sing again–always my favorite discovery after being sick and unable to produce a note for a good week. It just kills me to not sing, but I was able to belt out some showtunes today–good times. While doing homework for my group project…which is a completely different blog post and one full of anger and frustration so I will probably not post anything unless I get a bad grade in which case I will need to vent, anyway I was looking up Rodgers and Hammerstein’s musical “Oklahoma” and discovered this country singer named Billy Gilman. Oh my gosh. I have officially developed a crush. That hasn’t happened in a long time! Haha, I can name on one hand my celebrity crushes as they don’t happen often, but I think what got me hooked on this one was the song I first heard was one he sang when he was a child star. His voice as a kid was incredible! He was like 11 or 12 and is the most endearing little guy ever with his little country twang! I looked up his stuff now and it’s definitely different from what it was before, obviously puberty does that to a person, but I still like it. You just have to really switch your ear to hear a guy and not a child. But I like contemporary country that doesn’t have a heavy amount of twang to it, and he fits that bill with his new stuff. It’s clean too, which is always refreshing. I read his bio and discovered he’s my age…was born a couple weeks or so after me. Random, huh? He’s not bad looking either. So, I have a crush haha. I feel very young and immature for saying so. But, it has given me a rather nostalgic feeling for the past. I remember what it was like to be captivated by someone. I had forgotten for a time. God has been working on my heart lately though. He’s breaking down the walls of my hurts of the past and fears of the future and helping me to trust completely in his plan and not close myself off to whatever he has for my future–even if that means a relationship, which I have been very against for a long time now. It’s still a gradual work in progress of me submitting to that, but I think maybe my celebrity crush is one small way that I am becoming more open to the future path God wants to take me on.

It Don’t Mean a Thing if it Ain’t Got that Swing.

I love swing dancing. It’s my favorite thing ever. It makes me so happy. I have found myself comfortable in there. I have fun. I can’t stop smiling because I love to dance. It’s so freeing. Some guys are really easy to follow, which makes me feel like I’m doing really well. I can’t say enough about it. Love at first sight.

Anyway, I went to Rock Harbor for the continuation of the Lindy Hop lesson and some social dancing afterwards. I was dancing with a guy and we were talking and one song just went into the next and we kept going and he suddenly stops what he’s saying and apologized for not asking me if he could have that next dance. I thought it was the sweetest, most gentlemanly thing to do. And that’s when I got to thinking about how swing dancing, and any dancing popular in the past is a reflection and an encouragement to the way roles are supposed to be.

Think about it, the man leads and the girl follows. He makes a decision about where he wants her to go and offers to bring her along. She has a decision to take it or go a different direction. If he’s a good leader, she will take it and go where he asks. God put men at the head of the household. Women offer support and can assist in making sure he’s making the right decisions. It also trains guys to be gentlemen–to ask for permission.

So, you can see swing is more than just a fun evening, it’s more than some good exercise, it’s more than an evening out. It’s a glimpse of what I think our society has forgotten. It’s a taste of the roles God wants us to step into where the woman is not less than a man because she has the power to say no and to offer alternative direction, but where a man moves first and looks to the woman for affirmation. One compliments the other. They both work together.

It’s late, and this probably doesn’t flow as nice as I’d like it to. All I know is that I hope my future husband dances.  I think these are important qualities, and I want to share my love for swing with him.

The Climb

I rented the Hannah Montana movie tonight. (don’t judge.) It was actually pretty lame just like the tv show, but I absolutely adore the song she sings toward the end called The Climb. I’m not usually a huge fan of her songs, but this one was a whole different tone and message. I identify with it so much. My quiet times lately have been about how we need trials in our lives. It’s easy to despair and give up but without them we wouldn’t be the seasoned travelers that we are. It’s hard to think that way in the midst of the trial of course, but it’s so true.

Lyrics with my commentary:

I can almost see it,
That dream I’m dreamin’
But there’s a voice inside my head sayin’
You’ll never reach it
I have so many dreams that I’ve recognized I talk myself out of. I’ve learned how Satan preys on woman who are the crown of God’s creation out of jealousy of our position. He keeps our thought lives captive with lies that we tell ourselves. “You can’t do it; look at you. Who do you think you are that you can really achieve something as great as that? God doesn’t want you to get married. If he did, why wouldn’t he bring your future husband around right now? Guys don’t give you a second glance. You’re single for a reason. No one wants you. Look how sinful you are. No man would ever want to put up with you and your mistakes. It failed once before, remember?”

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
Stepping out in faith on God’s promises is so scary. It is vulnerable and it’s easy to second-guess and backtrack where you started. I did that last year when I started getting plugged into a church in Orange County. I got ready to jump in and got scared claiming that maybe God didn’t really want me there. Stepping out and leaving the rest to God is something I think is very critical in our relationships with God. A relationship in general must be built on trust, if it’s not, then it’s a lost cause. It’s easy to let doubt crowd in and shake our foundation.

But I gotta keep tryin’
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a up-hill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about whats waiting on the other side
It’s the climb whoa 
Wow, powerful words there. I definitely want to move that mountain aside when I come up to it. I want the easy route. I don’t like hardships. For some reason my human nature thinks it’s in my best interest to avoid trials. Trials hurt many times. It leaves you with bruised hearts and scars that will never be forgotten. But when you really think about it, is it the result of the trial that has shaped your character or is it the path you had to take to get there that did it?

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But, No, I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin’
Oh how much better it would be if I could look at that trial as a chance to grow! To look it straight on and say “You are not going to break me. You are going to make me stronger because my foundation is built on something much stronger than you.”

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Keep on movin’
Keep climbin’
Keep the faith baby
Its all about
Its all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep the faith whoa 
So here’s what we must do: We must keep the faith. God does not abandon us in these times of trial. He carries us through. He hurts when we hurt but gently tells us it’s for our own growth so that we might become the beautiful creation that he meant for us to be all along.