I went through a period of a good 6 months or so where I lost all hope that I would ever get married. This was a depressing time because ever since I was a little tyke walking around I’ve been playing wedding, and looking at my parents’ marriage, and carrying around a baby doll. Yes, if you asked me when I was young what I wanted to be when I grew up, I would tell you I wanted to be a mommy. The last six months have been a time of a loss of hope in more areas than just those of future relational commitments. I lost hope in many things, and my faith has suffered as a result, I’m sad to say. I don’t quite know what it was that dashed my lifelong dreams. Maybe it was going through my first break up, or maybe it was going on dates with guys I didn’t really care about, or maybe it was looking at countless friends get married right out of high school, or perhaps even the state the world is in currently as far as marriage is concerned with divorces, separations, screwed up families, and an unwillingness to commit “till death do us part.” I have been saddened at the number of people who say those words in a ceremony before hundreds of people only to give up when they’re not even halfway through. When did the sacred commitment of marriage become something to toss out in the garbage when something more exciting came along to take one’s fancy? This is not as God intended it, and frankly, it breaks my heart and makes me want to give up. It scares me to think that my idea of marriage–a lifelong commitment that has days where you wonder if it’s worth it, but make a conscious decision to stick with it and make it work–may not be the idea of marriage of guys I go out with. How do I even find out about this, because dating has become a big show of hiding who you really are and being who the other person wants you to be. God, I hate dishonesty in relationships! It sucks! And it’s not fair to anyone involved.
Anyway, sorry for ranting. The point I was getting to was that just this past month my hope of getting married someday has returned. It was the most random thing ever. I was hanging out in my room, I don’t remember if I was doing anything particular, but I had a slight moment where I stopped to look at the condition of my heart toward my future, and I saw my hope was back. I thanked God for that because it’s been such a long time without it, and I feared it would never return.
The past few days have consisted of a lot of daydreaming for me. You probably will think I’m being a silly girl, and maybe I am to research wedding stuff when I’m not even in a relationship, much less a serious one. You would be right. I am a silly girl, but in reality, I am a girl. I love beautiful things. I love wearing pretty dresses. I love being with people that are close to me. I love to share happiness and joy. And those are things that a wedding encompasses. So, go on and laugh, but I will be the one smiling at the end of the day as I dream of a wedding that won’t break my budget, that will be filled with aching cheeks from the countless smiles and bright, happy colors, and that will symbolize the start of a new life with the one person that God will bring to my life someday, with whom I can spend forever.
Now, I think it is time I turned to an action movie to get out of this chick flick funk I’m in. Lord of the Rings is in order, I believe. 
1 Comment
January 3, 2009 at 4:51 pm
Hey you! I know what you mean about feeling “left out.” One of my close high school friends got married the week after graduation, and by the time I had finished my 2nd year of college, most of my girl friends from high school were married, and some already had babies! I have a high school girlfriend who is 26 and already has had 3 kids! Then when I graduated college, it was the same thing all over again. A few former roommates and teammates got married when I still had one year of college left, and then within a year of me finishing college, I needed 3 or 4 hands to count how many friends had gotten married! I was in a bad place and grew to hate attending weddings, and when I did, I internally criticized everything about them – colors, dresses, jewelry, size of wedding party, cake, food choice, first dance song, you name it, I tore it to pieces. It’s a BAD place to be in, I hope that no one I know ever goes there.
But, Tabitha, I’ve found that no matter what age or stage of life we women are in, there will always be other women for us to “catch up” to. Once you’re married, you feel behind because you haven’t bought a house, or color-coordinated your apartment, or bought a dog or a new car, or had kids yet. There’s ALWAYS something that makes us feel like we’re behind on life. But we’re not. God has taught me so much about how He longs for us to be content and to trust in His path for us. So continue to pray for His peace and His guidance. Pray for His contentment. He knows the desires of your heart for your future marriage, and He wants to grant you that. I know it probably doesn’t feel like it, but you’re in an exciting part of your life right now, and I am anxious to see where God leads you in the next bend of your journey with Him. Praying for you!