There’s something beautiful in the fragmented state of vulnerability. Tonight at college group we ended our fall retreat with an open mic night for us to talk about what God’s teaching us and share what he’s been opening our eyes to. Though there were a lot of tears and things said that brought compassion from those witnessing the baring of souls, I found it to be very peaceful and reassuring. It’s a comfort to know that so many other believers are in the same boat as I, questioning, struggling, wishing for better. The fragments were thrown in a pile and I did not feel alone. I felt peace about what God is doing in this community, and I felt grateful that people were willing to let down their guards and be vulnerable. It was a benefit for all listening.

So, now it’s time for me. I shared tonight, but not in too much depth, partially because I didn’t want to take up time, partially because I wrote down my thoughts and read them so I was constrained to those words only, and partially because I didn’t want to ramble and be too personal. I’m still just getting to know these people, and although I’ve felt welcomed by several of them, it’s still difficult to talk about the deepest parts of my soul with anyone other than a close friend. I did want to share what God’s been teaching me with you though in an effort to discover for myself all that is involved in this. Writing always helps me see clearer.

Almost two and a half years ago the life I thought I was going to live decided to take a different route. Many thoughts, emotions, and lessons went into that time–some of which I remember today, others are a vague memory. Overall, I am grateful it happened. God shaped my character and brought to view a woman I didn’t know existed and probably would never have known had my life continued on that path. During the time I experiencced a variety of responses: sadness, bitterness, anger, relief, serenity, etc. About a year after that intial emotional turmoil I began dating again. I went out with several guys for a few dates each and then moved on. I was trying to do things differently because I thought I must have done them wrong the first time, which is why it didn’t work out. A few months of that caused me to lay down brick after brick as a shield for myself from the pain I had experienced from the first broken relationship to the other unsuccessful ones.

You have to understand something very important before I continue. Ever since I was a young girl, the deepest desire of my heart was to get married and have a family. My parents have an amazing marriage and my dad’s provision allowed my mom to stay at home with us. I loved both of those things and wanted so much to enjoy my own family as a result. Unfortunately, the brick wall I had built reflected the hardness of my heart to my dreams. I stifled them, and they died. Instead of striving for my heart’s desire, I began finding only negative things about marriage and kids. Divorce, fighting, finances, physical pain and image distortion of childbearing, kids rebelling. These became the only thing that I saw when I looked on a married couple. Being of late college age, I began seeing friends get married and nitpicked what was wrong with their relationships and why they shouldn’t be getting married. Marriage and kids turned from a dream to a fear, and I ran. I avoided males as much as possible, especially after continually finding if I didn’t it would move toward something I was not looking for. The past year, I’ve been hiding behind my walls, and Satan has been feeding me continued negativity about my perception of the family.

Where is this going? Well, I picked up The Sacred Romance by John Elderidge and Brent Curtis. It’s about drawing close to the heart of God. The funny thing is, in order to do that, we have to let him romance us and love on us. But we can’t truly allow him to if we’re carrying around the grudges of past wounds and lies built up as a result. Let’s just say, clean-up with God has been not so fun in this aspect. He has shown me the fears I’ve been hiding from. He’s shown me that I am more willing to let my plans outweigh his. He has revealed that because I don’t think his timing is perfect that the best thing for me to do is to avoid it altogether. He has told me that he wants me to give him my hurt, give him my trust, and let him love me, and work in my life in this way. I will tell you that I’m scared to death. It’s been so long since I’ve truly considered dating and a future in marriage that I don’t know what it looks like. It’s been a continual battle of me laying down my will and trusting that even if God’s timing is not my timing, that his timing is perfect. He will bring the best possible life I could dream of if I completely let go of my silly view of how life is supposed to go.

So, I’m worn out. I’m drained. I’m fighting. But God’s winning. And that’s what counts. Pray for me in this journey, it’s one I never thought I’d have to walk.

Life has been an absolute whirlwind of craziness this past week with midterms, minor advisement, graduate applications, work, sickness, and frustrating complacency in all other areas due to the busyness of work and school. Today has been a long day in Oceanside working on the many papers and projects I now have to focus on. I did take a musical break though which is the real topic of my post.

I have discovered free mp3 downloads, which are now my favorite thing ever. I’m listening to my new playlist right now actually–Building 429 rocks! I also discovered that I can sing again–always my favorite discovery after being sick and unable to produce a note for a good week. It just kills me to not sing, but I was able to belt out some showtunes today–good times. While doing homework for my group project…which is a completely different blog post and one full of anger and frustration so I will probably not post anything unless I get a bad grade in which case I will need to vent, anyway I was looking up Rodgers and Hammerstein’s musical “Oklahoma” and discovered this country singer named Billy Gilman. Oh my gosh. I have officially developed a crush. That hasn’t happened in a long time! Haha, I can name on one hand my celebrity crushes as they don’t happen often, but I think what got me hooked on this one was the song I first heard was one he sang when he was a child star. His voice as a kid was incredible! He was like 11 or 12 and is the most endearing little guy ever with his little country twang! I looked up his stuff now and it’s definitely different from what it was before, obviously puberty does that to a person, but I still like it. You just have to really switch your ear to hear a guy and not a child. But I like contemporary country that doesn’t have a heavy amount of twang to it, and he fits that bill with his new stuff. It’s clean too, which is always refreshing. I read his bio and discovered he’s my age…was born a couple weeks or so after me. Random, huh? He’s not bad looking either. So, I have a crush haha. I feel very young and immature for saying so. But, it has given me a rather nostalgic feeling for the past. I remember what it was like to be captivated by someone. I had forgotten for a time. God has been working on my heart lately though. He’s breaking down the walls of my hurts of the past and fears of the future and helping me to trust completely in his plan and not close myself off to whatever he has for my future–even if that means a relationship, which I have been very against for a long time now. It’s still a gradual work in progress of me submitting to that, but I think maybe my celebrity crush is one small way that I am becoming more open to the future path God wants to take me on.

I love swing dancing. It’s my favorite thing ever. It makes me so happy. I have found myself comfortable in there. I have fun. I can’t stop smiling because I love to dance. It’s so freeing. Some guys are really easy to follow, which makes me feel like I’m doing really well. I can’t say enough about it. Love at first sight.

Anyway, I went to Rock Harbor for the continuation of the Lindy Hop lesson and some social dancing afterwards. I was dancing with a guy and we were talking and one song just went into the next and we kept going and he suddenly stops what he’s saying and apologized for not asking me if he could have that next dance. I thought it was the sweetest, most gentlemanly thing to do. And that’s when I got to thinking about how swing dancing, and any dancing popular in the past is a reflection and an encouragement to the way roles are supposed to be.

Think about it, the man leads and the girl follows. He makes a decision about where he wants her to go and offers to bring her along. She has a decision to take it or go a different direction. If he’s a good leader, she will take it and go where he asks. God put men at the head of the household. Women offer support and can assist in making sure he’s making the right decisions. It also trains guys to be gentlemen–to ask for permission.

So, you can see swing is more than just a fun evening, it’s more than some good exercise, it’s more than an evening out. It’s a glimpse of what I think our society has forgotten. It’s a taste of the roles God wants us to step into where the woman is not less than a man because she has the power to say no and to offer alternative direction, but where a man moves first and looks to the woman for affirmation. One compliments the other. They both work together.

It’s late, and this probably doesn’t flow as nice as I’d like it to. All I know is that I hope my future husband dances.  I think these are important qualities, and I want to share my love for swing with him.

I rented the Hannah Montana movie tonight. (don’t judge.) It was actually pretty lame just like the tv show, but I absolutely adore the song she sings toward the end called The Climb. I’m not usually a huge fan of her songs, but this one was a whole different tone and message. I identify with it so much. My quiet times lately have been about how we need trials in our lives. It’s easy to despair and give up but without them we wouldn’t be the seasoned travelers that we are. It’s hard to think that way in the midst of the trial of course, but it’s so true.

Lyrics with my commentary:

I can almost see it,
That dream I’m dreamin’
But there’s a voice inside my head sayin’
You’ll never reach it
I have so many dreams that I’ve recognized I talk myself out of. I’ve learned how Satan preys on woman who are the crown of God’s creation out of jealousy of our position. He keeps our thought lives captive with lies that we tell ourselves. “You can’t do it; look at you. Who do you think you are that you can really achieve something as great as that? God doesn’t want you to get married. If he did, why wouldn’t he bring your future husband around right now? Guys don’t give you a second glance. You’re single for a reason. No one wants you. Look how sinful you are. No man would ever want to put up with you and your mistakes. It failed once before, remember?”

Every step I’m taking
Every move I make feels
Lost with no direction
My faith is shaking
Stepping out in faith on God’s promises is so scary. It is vulnerable and it’s easy to second-guess and backtrack where you started. I did that last year when I started getting plugged into a church in Orange County. I got ready to jump in and got scared claiming that maybe God didn’t really want me there. Stepping out and leaving the rest to God is something I think is very critical in our relationships with God. A relationship in general must be built on trust, if it’s not, then it’s a lost cause. It’s easy to let doubt crowd in and shake our foundation.

But I gotta keep tryin’
Gotta keep my head held high

There’s always gonna be another mountain
I’m always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be a up-hill battle
Sometimes I’m gonna have to lose
Ain’t about how fast I get there
Ain’t about whats waiting on the other side
It’s the climb whoa 
Wow, powerful words there. I definitely want to move that mountain aside when I come up to it. I want the easy route. I don’t like hardships. For some reason my human nature thinks it’s in my best interest to avoid trials. Trials hurt many times. It leaves you with bruised hearts and scars that will never be forgotten. But when you really think about it, is it the result of the trial that has shaped your character or is it the path you had to take to get there that did it?

The struggles I’m facing
The chances I’m taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But, No, I’m not breaking
I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I’m gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep goin’
Oh how much better it would be if I could look at that trial as a chance to grow! To look it straight on and say “You are not going to break me. You are going to make me stronger because my foundation is built on something much stronger than you.”

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on

Keep on movin’
Keep climbin’
Keep the faith baby
Its all about
Its all about
The climb
Keep the faith, keep the faith whoa 
So here’s what we must do: We must keep the faith. God does not abandon us in these times of trial. He carries us through. He hurts when we hurt but gently tells us it’s for our own growth so that we might become the beautiful creation that he meant for us to be all along.

Many things happened this weekend but I wanted to share the two that stuck out the most.

1) We had a prayer send-out at church for those of us who are helping with the launch of a new church. I didn’t know this was happening on Sunday, I showed up for worship practice and we went through a couple songs before rushing over to the main service for Generation South O. Pastor Shawn brought us up front and asked some members of the congregation to come up and put a hand on each of us and pray for us as we are getting ready to embark on our launch of Generation North O. It didn’t really hit me that service, but after seeing my mom tear up during second service when Chris talked about how our whole congregation was going to go over and do that again, it hit me how big this really is. We went over and heard South O playing the same song we had just did. They sounded a little better….okay a lot better. We’re just beginning and still have quite a few kinks to sort out before we are up to their level. I will confess that it really hurt me to hear them. I am proud enough that I want to sound good when I sing on the worship team. I feel kind of stuck sometimes because South O doesn’t have room for me, and so many people have told me how much of a difference it makes when I’m there at North O. They seem to depend on me and it’s frustrating because we hit wrong notes, we play in the wrong key, we don’t cut out when we’re supposed to, etc. Those things don’t sound good. It’s humbling for sure, and it’s probably why God put me here to deal with my pride about wanting to sound good. But it hurts. Don’t get me wrong, we don’t always sound off. We’ve done some songs very nicely. It’s just a beginning group and going from settings where people do music for a living, and play in bands, and record and write songs, and change things instrumentally to add new textures, and play songs that I feel are more current, it makes things a little different. Anyway, that happened when I walked in. Then we went up after Shawn talked about how we’re heroes for leaving what’s familiar and going out on this new step of faith. That’s when I cried. I’m leaving the church home I’ve known for 9 years of my life. I’m leaving the place where I was challenged and encouraged to take my faith to the level that it is at right now. The place that convinced me to rededicate my life to Christ. I’ve watched growth and change take place. I met the most amazing worship leader that pushed me and helped me along to be confident and lead others. And I’m going to a place I don’t really want to go. I’m going with people I don’t really know. I felt like a lost little sheep stuck in her pride. It hurt. God has put me here for a reason though. We’ll see what it is. Maybe my pride will vanish and I will be moved to be the woman that God wants me to be because of it.

2)  I went to EV Free’s college group last night. I have determined to get plugged in and connected with a church while I’m up here. So I went to The Paradigm Shift. It was a lot smaller than I anticipated for such a big church. I have social anxiety so I almost sat in my car for a while so I could walk in late and not have time to talk to anybody. But I didn’t. I went inside even though there weren’t many cars and people probably already were talking to the people they knew. I sat by myself, but the college pastor came over and introduced himself and found out where I went to school and what year I was. He pointed out some other Cal State seniors and asked 4 different girls if he could introduce them to me. That was so helpful. I met Kim, Ashley, Ashley, and Ashley. Haha. Easy to remember them. Two of the three Ashley’s were studying Child Development and Liberal Studies. So we talked for a while about that. One of them asked if she could sit with me. I filled out a welcome card and checked off that I wanted to get more involved and that I wanted to join a small group. After checking off getting more involved I started second guessing it. But it was in pen and there was nothing I could do about it. So it is what it is. God will have to take care of the rest and help me out. I really enjoyed the group. I was home by 9 which was nice not to be out so late on a school night. The talk was good, the worship was good. There were songs I didn’t know but they were simple enough to pick up on. I felt satisfied after going. It was a good experience.

Okay, gotta run off to my cycling class now. Hope you’re all having a great week!

School didn’t really start today. It started two days ago. But that jump rope rhyme popped in my head. Day Camp you know….

So, school has been going pretty well. I still have one more class tonight that I haven’t experienced yet, but I’ve heard the teacher is very laid back. Can’t complain about that! My classes seem like a lot of reading, but hopefully I’ll be able to stay on top. There’s a few group projects which I’m a little concerned about as always. I’ve had very few positive experiences with groups at school. It’s hard to combine efforts of college students because everyone is at a different stage. Everyone is willing to put in a certain amount of effort that they’re used to putting in and it’s hard to convince a peer to put in more if the case need be.

My art and humanities class seems like fun for the most part. We’ll be bringing art supplies and trying out the different ways art was developed over time with our own photos.

My music film class is fascinating. I was really intimidated when I first walked in because it’s my first music class at Fullerton and I don’t know anyone. It’s also hard to be in an environment where the subject matter is based on your talent. But my teacher reassured me by saying most people in the class were non-music majors. My teacher is really funny and knows a lot about the subject. He regularly does studio work in Hollywood and speaks at film festivals all over. The first class we watched the opening scene of Forest Gump and he put different music scores behind it and it was fascinating how that opening number could change your view of what the plot was going to be about.

I’ve been having trouble with purchasing the correct textbooks though. The bookstore on campus lists the incorrect ones, doesn’t carry other ones, and doesn’t update when a teacher decides she doesn’t have enough time with the furlough to cover a certain text. I’ve had to return 3 books and buy 3 books after already buying everything I thought I needed.

I went to my exercise class on Monday and KILLED my thighs. I can’t walk down the stairs without excruciating pain. I can’t walk period without limping. It’s really annoying because it keeps me from exercising further and simple things that you don’t usually think about are now especially difficult like getting in my car. On a happier note, I’ve lost 1.4lbs in 2 days. Off to a good start!

Faculty and staff are required to take furlough days in order to keep massive lay-offs from happening. In every day language that means that I have random days where there’s no class but instead extra homework is assigned. Or in the case of staff furloughs, days that I am not allowed to work my on-campus job. So I have looooong weekends twice a month. I think I’m going to come home to Oceanside on furlough weekends. I can get there on Thursday late afternoons and come back on Sundays in time for EV Free’s college service. Speaking of which, I checked out their ministries so I could see about getting involved. The choir practices on Wednesday nights when I have a class. There was no information about worship team so they’re apparently already set as far as that goes. Small groups is the next thing I need to check out. I have to see if there’s ones that meet during the day because my evenings are full already with academic and exercise/dance classes. I wanted to wait until I figured out my work schedule though. So next week I should have that set.

I’m heading home tomorrow after class, meeting up with Erica and Farah at the beach, working that evening, chilling with Farah and Jessica on Friday, working that evening, if I’m not too tired going to a women’s breakfast Saturday, working that evening, singing at church Sunday morning, going to my Grandma’s house, and then heading home. I’m excited for the fun social weekend, but nervous because I realized my CSET is 2 weeks from Saturday. With all the reading I have to do for school, I’m nervous about not having enough time to put into my studying. This is the first CSET I’ll be taking during the school semester. I hope that I will be able to balance well.

Alright, off to bed for my busy weekend that starts tomorrow. Good night world. God bless!

I love being home. When August 1^st came around this summer, I realized I’m leaving for school again soon. I registered for classes, got my parking permit, bought my textbooks. School is coming sooner than I would dare think. With that fact comes the realization that I’m leaving again. It would be so much easier if I didn’t have the greatest set of parents in the world. I love being home with them–catching up with my mom before I head off to work and getting to work with my dad on my room renovation project. My mom and I grew closer last year through email, and being home this summer seemed to seal that communication between us. I’m so glad, but it’s going to be wretched leaving again even though I’ll be home every weekend in September to finish up my summer job at Moonlight.

This summer hasn’t been what I expected, but then, I guess I’m glad it wasn’t predictable. God allowed different things to happen like join a small group, try new recipes, and join another worship team. I wouldn’t have had time for that if my plans had followed through with working and studying all summer long. It has been wonderful, which makes it all the harder to leave. I’m taking an 8:30am class on Mondays which means I won’t be able to attend Seven24 unless it’s a three day weekend. That was sad, considering I never found a place to call home last year as far as churches go. I’ve been praying that that changes this time. I really want somewhere that I can connect with other believers and have that fellowship each week. CSUF is very worldly and I need another place to recharge apart from my own personal God-time.

I can’t believe it’s my last year of college. My music minor classes finally transferred over for the most part. They had some questions about my musicianship classes so they have to wait till my advisor returns to complete it. But hopefully they make it through. Then I can glide by on 15 units each for my last two semesters. It’s going to be a busy semester anyway though because I have to start collecting materials for entering into the credential program and apply to grad school. I never thought I’d go to grad school, but apparently credential programs are considered that, so here I go! I’m taking five classes this fall: three liberal studies, one music history, and one math class. It shouldn’t be too bad. I have good teachers. I’ll be at school Monday through Thursday in the mornings and Tuesday and Wednesday evenings. I’m also planning to attend an exercise class at the rec center twice a week and go swing dancing at Rock Harbor Church on Thursdays. In addition to that I’ve got my school job which I’ll hopefully be settled into by October.

Can’t think of anything else that’s new at the moment. I’m just trying to pass the time. I’ve got another 30 minutes of babysitting and the kids are both down for their naps, though one of them doesn’t want to sleep and is waltzing around his crib playing with things. This is after I’ve let him play and read his stories and changed his smelly diaper and put him down with a bottle. Nope, still wants to play. It was a good day though, I didn’t have any temper tantrums!!! That’s a first in a while. We played in the sprinklers, ate our entire lunch, drew pictures, watched Clifford, and passed the time in happy dispositions.

Nicole’s coming over when I get home and I get to show off the room I finished remodeling and watch the video she made of our New York trip. Then I need to get some studying done for my next CSET. I find out the results from my last one on Monday. I’m praying I passed cuz it will be horrible to retake it.

We have worship at day camp every Monday. Nicole volunteered to do it with the kids and because she had no voice after returning from Hume, she managed to drag me into it to help her out. We came up with motions–lots of jumping and spinning–and taught the kids the songs. With songs like that, it’s hard to know if it will be a success or a flop. Usually we don’t get too much participation during chapel time, which is totally lame because it’s an awesome time to sing praise to God. It was a success thankfully. We were able to talk about how there’s different ways to worship God through song either rockin’ out and jumping around, or sitting quietly before him. Nicole and I were picking songs and I was saying our last one should be a quieter one that we sit down and sing because it helps the kids move into a more quieter mindset so they can listen to the message afterwards without being uncontrollably wound up. Nicole likes the jumping around songs better, but I pushed ahead. I asked if she was okay, making sure she wasn’t upset at me for it. She said she was just not feeling very well. So, I said we needed to worship God right now to help us get in the mindset to choose the songs. So, we put on Inside Out, lay down on the floor, closed our eyes, and sang out in genuine worship to God. It was AMAZING. When we had finished, we both felt so refreshed and ready to greet the day. I wondered aloud what it would be like if we all started our day that way. Just relaxing in God’s presence, singing to him. We ended up finding a song we could agree on and it was a great choice because the majority of the kids knew it already. Many of the songs we do are new to the day campers, which is another thing we have to deal with when making these choices. Since people attend all different churches and have all different kinds of worship, it’s hard to know what they’re used to.

At my home church I’ve been feeling unwanted. I’ve always served in 2 ministries: children’s and worship. I’m now working with kids 6 days a week and Sunday is my day off, so I haven’t rejoined the children’s ministry. Worship team though, I’ve expressed my desire to return to and was told I could. But then I was told they have too many people doing it. I know this is true, as I’ve seen many new faces taking a part in it, which is great that people are serving. It’s also been difficult for me though to attend church and see people up there who have already had a turn that month. It has been a huge distraction for me. Instead of joyfully praising God on my own and thanking him for it, I am bitten by the lies of Satan as he tells me I’m not wanted there. It makes me sad because I never did find a place to call home in Orange County when I was at school and looking for a church. I was happy to come home this summer and be a part of my church again, but have not been feeling the way I expected. I am thankfully able to sing at my college group, which is probably my favorite place to sing. Brett lets me sing once a month. Last time I asked and was told yes, it kept needing to be moved back for various reasons. I was feeling unwanted yet again, but ended up being able to thank God for it because I was able to hang out with Nicole after not seeing her for the week she was at Hume Lake and hear about her trip, and I was also able to sing on our all worship night, which is always a blessing to sing for. Now, I have my home church’s new campus asking me to come to worship practice. I’ve been resisting for a few different reasons, one of which being that I don’t know if that’s the church I’m supposed to be attending or if it’s the main campus, or if it’s my college group’s church. I’m feeling a bit lost. But, when I brought it up at small group, Amanda reminded me that when you’re unsure, you should just go for it if it’s something that will ultimately honor God. If he doesn’t want me to do it, he’ll put something in the way to stop me, but it won’t hurt to try. So, I’m going to go to practice this week. If you think of it, pray that I will keep an open mind. It’s an amateur group, and I’m afraid I’ll have trouble harmonizing if I can’t hear the right notes.

Oh how I love a good musical theatre duet. It always strikes a chord in me reminding me of my love for music. Tonight I tried playing “Take Me As I Am” Jekyll and Hyde. I would love to see that play. The music is beautiful. I have the piano book from when I was taking voice lessons. There’s also a couple duets from Moulin Rouge that are fabulous. “Elephant Song” and “Come What May.” I’m also trying to learn “Can I Have This Dance” from High School Musical 3. I think that would be a cute song for a first dance at a wedding. Something different that I don’t think too many people are familiar with. “For Good” from Wicked is one of the most meaningful songs I’ve ever heard between two best friends. I also have fond memories of singing “Anything You Can Do” back in high school my senior year. Now that was fun! How can you not enjoy a good duet? Two voices blending, singing together, echoing, calling, responding. Musical theatre is in my blood. What can I say?

Hey all,

Just wanted to give you an update on my life at the present moment, though within 1 day of posting this, it will most likely change again. That seems to be the epitomy of my summer–everything constantly changing around.

Many of you know that I did not get hired at TCCS Day Camp full time as I had planned. It threw me into a slight state of chaos as I tried to figure out how to make up those extra hours. But, God has been providing a little here and a little there, so I can’t complain. Babysitting has really picked up which has been a blessing, people from church have called me up, a friend who nannies is moving to Kansas City, and I was able to get in on the kids she usually takes care of, and just posting on facebook that I was around and available to babysit seemed to help spread the word. I will be doing babysitting at least twice a week if not more. I am also working at Moonlight Amphitheatre again this summer. I had orientation tonight and it went well. The newly remodeled theatre facility is beautiful, but I’m a little concerned that it will be making more work for us as we try to bring chairs back and forth around the new windy walkways and staircases. I just need to remember that it’s a fabulous workout, and being sore the next day only means that I got in enough exercise the day before! Haha. I’m excited for the season: 42nd Street, Phantom, and Cats. Jenee has thankfully called me in for a couple days at Day Camp, and although she can’t give me set days each week to work, I’m hoping that I can at least score a couple a week. We went to the tide pools today, and I got SUNBURNED! Yikes, that hasn’t happened in a while! Beach day is tomorrow, so I will be more prepared. Haha. So that’s the work situation. At first it was looking like I wasn’t working anywhere this summer which was a huge concern. The bills still come whether I work or not. But, as my mom said, God is providing me just enough manna for one day. I can live off of what he provides for me and need to trust that he will send more the next day. It’s scary having to live in faith of what he will do since the future is unknown. I think of times that people have prayed in complete faith that God will heal someone, and he ends up taking them to heaven instead. I like to plan ahead, and have a good understanding of what is to come, but God is saying I can’t do it that way this summer. Hopefully my head is still attached by the end of the summer, it’s going to be a crazy ride!

I’m feeling a little better about church. I went last weekend, and although I sat alone, I still enjoyed the service. I hope James will let me sing sometime; I really miss being up there, though my voice is still not 100% back to normal after having the flu. There’s a slight chance I might be doing the Lifehouse Everything Skit after all, even though it fell through the first time around. I was babysitting at my pastor’s house last night and he mentioned our other pastor recently saw the skit and was stoked on it. My pastor mentioned I had wanted to do it and recommened he talk to me if he can help me get the people I need to do it. We’ll see how that works out. Hahahaha, my pastor also told me that his two interns were asking about me on Sunday–wanting to know who I was. Two problems though: 1) they don’t live in CA…one is from South Carolina and the other from Texas and 2) they’re both in high school. Don’t know why it is that guys that are too young for me or too old for me are the ones who notice my existence, but the ones my own age seem to look right past. (not that I am looking to date right now, definitely not–just one of those funny things.) My pastor, gotta love him, didn’t tell them anything except that I was too old for them. Haha. I haven’t been to Seven24 in a while. Part of me is nervous because I feel like many of my friends from there aren’t there anymore because they’ve spread out across the world for various summer projects. I’m shy already, and it’s hard for me to meet new people. Another part of me is nervous because I know Brian is leaving soon. I hate change and I seem to be fooling myself that if I don’t go, then I don’t have to deal with him leaving firsthand. I don’t know if they’ve even found someone to take over yet. I suppose I’ll go this Sunday though, once Moonlight starts up, I’ll probably be working Sunday evenings and won’t even have that option, and I do enjoy singing there. I love the songs we do.

There’s probably more things that have happened, but my mind is drawing a blank. I’m halfway done with my scrapbook of New York. I made delicious manicotti this week. My parents’ 28th anniversary is Saturday. <3 My online class is going swell, maybe my A will bring my GPA up again. I’m crossing my fingers that I don’t work on the evening I get to enroll in my classes or I’m going to have to walk my dad through it on my 15 minute break. That could be dangerous if the courses I want aren’t open and I have to switch things around. I went to the San Diego Fair with my parents Tuesday. It was really crowded, but a pleasant evening. I saw three people I knew.

And, it’s time for me to get everything ready for tomorrow. Babysitting at 7am, beach day at 10am, biking with Nicole at 4:30pm, studying for my CSET at 7pm, and hopefully a chat with Farah sometime in there too!